You know, I don't normally do this sort of thing here, but my husband could care less about my life, and DEFINITELY doesn't read this blog, so I feel pretty free to vent my frustrations.
My husband is NOT a horsey husband, in the LEAST. I have no clue WHY in the world he "allowed" me to go to Maryland 2 years ago and get my horse. I have NO idea why in the world he "allows" me to do ANYTHING with him at all. I shouldn't be sad or upset by this. He was like that almost 15 years ago when I married him. Back then, it was almost a form of jealousy. He wanted us to be TOGETHER all the time. To his credit, I did step away from the horses for a few years, and experience some new things I had never done. But, as they always do, the horses pulled me back in, and I basically dropped out of college to teach lessons full time.
Nowadays, it's just old habit for him to lay a massive guilt trip on me about doing ANYTHING fun with my horse. Unless I'm being paid for it (and sometimes, even when I AM being paid for it), he acts like I am the worst wife in the world for (in this case) wanting to spend $42 on a tank of gas to drive 172 miles one way to volunteer for one day at the Pine Top horse trials. Yes, I'd be gone all day. But it wouldn't cost me food, and I would get a xc schooling credit to use for later. But THEN, THAT'S when I would go back, and spend some ridiculous amount of money ($374???) to haul my horse down there to redeem my schooling credit.
We don't really DO anything together any more. I work myself to the BONE 6 days a week, he works hard 5 days a week, when he's done with work, he's not doing ANYTHING. Not washing clothes, not unloading the dishwasher, not painting the front door, not anything. So, even if I HAVE a Sunday OFF (like today), he doesn't even CHECK with me to find out if I'd like to do anything. Go on a picnic, go to lunch, go to the movies ... no, he decided, ON HIS OWN, to take the truck half an hour away to have the rotors turned. So, I headed off on MY own to go hiking at our local mountain (ironically called Pine Top Mountain). If we DO spend time together on a Sunday, we literally sit on the couch ALL DAY LONG watching some form of tv. I have a MASSIVE headache right now from sitting in front of the computer/tv for 6+ hours. How is that DOING anything together?
Today, I looked him right in the eye and asked how he felt about me volunteering on Sunday. I said, yes, I'm working on Saturday, but I would like to volunteer Sunday at Pine Top. I said I wasn't exactly sure where it was, but I thought it was a "couple of hours" south. He looked at me blankly, said nothing, then went back to talking about our vacation in a month. OK, fine. I supposed that meant he didn't care if I did it, which DOES happen every now and then.
Well, now I mentioned that Pine Top is actually 3 hours away according to Mapquest, and he went BALLISTIC. Said I had NO business going down there, my car was UNSAFE to drive down there (but I CAN drive an hour back and forth to work 5 days a week?), and that if I tried to do so, he would take the battery out of my car.
Is this normal? I am so frustrated and angry, which is why I have vented on here, which as y'all know, I DON'T do. I had to e-mail the lady back and apologize and say that something has come up already, and maybe I could do it next time. I have been SO stressed, and have been working SO hard lately, I was really excited to head down there and jump judge for the Advanced XC. 3 hour drive and all.
This is a hard one Jen, because mixing into other peoples marriage woes is tricky business that is best not done. Having said that...
ReplyDeleteYou said you were excited about doing this. It is something you wanted to do, and it really doesn't take much away from your husband considering it doesn't sound like you had any other plans. You can both sit at home and be bored or you can make yourself happy. If the vehicle really is an issue then it needs to be fixed ASAP because it could just as easily break down on those drives back and forth to work. If the vehicle is not really an issue then it's being used to manipulate and control you. So are the threats of removing the battery. Something else I noticed was your use of quotation marks around the word "allow". You are not a child and you don't need your husband to play parent. You are not a possession you are a partner. You don't really need your husbands permission to do anything. Could there be consequences if you choose to stop participating in the status quo. You bet there could be. Only you know if you want to risk those consequences.
Thanks so much for the insightful comments. He IS a controlling man. No, he's not violent in ANY way, and he is very loving, but it's his way or the highway. Yes, my car DOES need tires and rotors. But has it been a priority of his at ALL? NO, it hasn't been. It's safe to drive 2 hours a day, 5 days a week, but it's not safe to drive 6 hours one weekend day. That is pure manipulation.
ReplyDeleteI don't ever want to be selfish with the horse thing; I have an 8 year old son and a husband. Both of these people in my life deserve my time and attention. That being said, a person needs PERSONAL time as well. Sigh. I'm still pretty po'd today. I guess it's on ME how I handle things. Do I tolerate the control? Well, I do because of my child, but I want to be told if I'm being selfish by wanting to go do something. I don't think I am. It's my freaking BIRTHDAY weekend, for goodness sakes. I think if I want to go on Sunday to do something I enjoy, he OWES that to me.
Again, I thank you for your comment. Everyone has their own little problems. I just boiled over on mine, I guess. Hopefully, this will just be a one-off post:) I'm sure I'll be over it by tomorrow.
So... I hope I'm not stepping over the line here since I JUST added your blog and seem to have crappy timing, but this does NOT seem normal. It's one thing if he doesn't want to do the horse thing with you, even if he doesn't want to HEAR about the horse thing. I'd get it if you were just blowing money on horses, especially his money, but you MAKE money through horses. I think he's being overly controlling and is way out of line. And taking the battery out of your car? THAT is crossing a line. Wow.
ReplyDeleteJen, *hugs* I love you hon. I'll not say my thoughts here on a blog, but you and me need to do lunch or a shopping trip soon, ok? You DO need to vent, and you DO need you're time. You're a fantastic mom, Kody is the BOMB (I'll take him ANY TIME!), and a great wife. And maybe I have some things to share that might help. BTDT. *hugs* You have my number any time. Feel free to use it!
ReplyDeleteHello, I am sorry for coming on here so late, and I hope you forgive my 2 cents. My husband and I have been through some rough times so I wanted to respond. The first thing I though of is the # of years you've been married. We had a period of adjustment from 15 years (2006) to just last summer, when things turned around for the better-- much, much better, to where we are communicating and have the relationship we always wanted, with room to grow into more, also.
ReplyDeleteI went into "freedom, independence, and identity" mode after a man took my sister's life. You can see how that would make a woman respond that way. My husband was not overly controlling, but he had insecurity issues (so did I.) Also, I gave too much. My job-- homeschooling the children, and the housework, had my complete time and energy. [This is appropriate for me to write here, bkz my OTTB was the catalyst for finding myself again.]
Because of that horse, I learned to stand my ground in all my relationships-- or get run over. My husband was totally in support of us getting our horse. He is fine and wonderful in so many ways. I bet your husband is, too. People just need work, sometimes.
So I would say stand your ground in freedom; definitely be free and do not fear. You deserve to live that way. It is on his plate to handle it. He will have to adjust. Sometimes people get controlling without really realizing it.
But if you just 'tolerate' certain things, you know, just like a horse-- it will not go away. That type of tolerance actually gives endorsement.
A lot of marriages transition at this point. Learning to talk is key, and if you don't feel it can happen respectfully, hire a 3rd party (a counselor) to help you both through for a little while. With a child and 15 years behind you, it is worth fighting for. Men can change, especially if they care about the stakes.
Best blessings, and feel free to e-mail me. I really care about the issue of womens' freedom in relationships: in tribute to my sister.
Change your mind, then change the relationship. Be smart, also. Very.